In Limbo

I have lived with health issues for as long as I can remember. They seem random— crippling anxiety and panic disorder, GERD, IBS, migraines, PMDD, anemia. I understand, though, that our bodies’ different systems and organs all work together. For that reason, I have persistently tried to get answers.

Being a fat woman has not helped my cause. I am constantly gaslit by physicians. I’m made to feel as though I am exaggerating my symptoms, or that they are all in my head, or that they exist because I am fat.

When I was a kid, I was a little overweight. In the eyes of my classmates and myself, I was enormous. But really, though, I was just chubby.

I went to the doctor for whatever reason and upon examining me, my doctor became alarmed by the fact my spleen felt enlarged. For the next few months, I had various labs, scans— you name it. I am assuming that because of the stress and worry I sensed from my parents, I also became anxious. I began losing my hair. I would brush my hair and huge fistfuls would appear on the brush.

It was concluded that nothing was “wrong” with me. Even from that young age, I was made to feel like I somehow manifested these symptoms myself. It is a feeling I still get to this day.

I have gone to see all kinds of specialists, functional medicine doctors, homeopaths. I have adopted diets and lifestyle changes. I even had bariatric surgery (twice), to no longer be obese (as that seemed to be the school of thought for everyone as to the reason why I had health issues). Still, all of my symptoms and diagnoses have remained a part of my everyday life. Most issues have gotten worse over time, despite weighing less than the time of onset.

For the past few years, I have been anemic to the point that it interferes with my daily life. There are days I feel as though I could comfortably lie down on the street to take a nap on my way to my car. Lying in bed is sometimes more appealing than literally anything life has to offer. (Fun fact: I said this exact thing to my primary care doctor and he said I was depressed. I am not depressed.)

Like clockwork, I get labs drawn every three months to check on all things iron-related. And every three months, I get the same email: “Ilse, your iron levels and saturation continue to be low. Please increase your iron supplementation and take with vitamin C. You should also consider getting an IUD.”

Again, I respond by calling the doctor’s office. I let them know that I have spoken with a Gynecologist and have determined I would not benefit from an IUD, and that I already take two iron pills with vitamin C a day. I ask what else can be done, and he responds with what I can imagine is him shrugging his shoulders. He says, “nothing”.

I wish I could tie this all into a beautiful conclusion and tell you all that I found a great doctor, started eating a ketogenic diet, and have cured myself of all my ailments. After all, this series of “In Our Own Skin” feels like all of our stories should be educational and inspirational. Unfortunately, my mental and physical health remains in a constant state of limbo; some days are better than others.

I have faith that I will find a doctor who works hard to find a reason why I feel like crap most days, and works with me on finding ways to get better. I recently changed my primary care physician, and have set up an appointment to establish care in the New Year. Despite a lifetime of gaslighting, apathy, and ignorance, I remain hopeful. I remain hopeful that THIS time, I will be believed.

How do you respond to frustrating medical advice?
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