Find Your Own Reasons

I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I’ve lived a 1000 lives. I’m 36 and have so many regrets. I’ve hurt a lot of people and said a lot of mean things.

I’ve put things that would bring me some sort of instant gratification ahead of doing the right thing. I always needed some shoes or new clothes that would in my mind take away from that fact that I was never really happy or comfortable with myself. Whether that happiness was material, or from women, I pissed it all away ‘cause the high ran out.

I needed something to mask the hate and the pain. I needed to not deal with what I was truly unhappy with… myself.

I hated my body. I pushed away all the women that ever truly loved me. I cheated ‘cause I would get slightly insecure and need the validation of a woman, they made me feel worthy of my love. I would like to think that my actions had to do with something more than just my weight and the way that I saw myself. I’m sure it did, but I’m also sure that body image had a huge part to do with it.

I wish I could tell you how I started to love myself. I wish there was something I could say that would make you value what you see in the mirror every day. I could tell the series of events that made me realize that no matter what bad things I thought about myself, I was still worthy of love.

I don't know you—I don’t even know if anyone is reading this—but I want you to know that I’m here, and I made it. I see photos of myself sometimes, and for a split second, I see a fat piece of s***… Then logic kicks in, and I realize the person that took that picture loved me enough to want a photo of me, that I have value to the people around me. Not everyone is gonna love you, but also, not everyone is gonna hate you.

I recently found out that someone at work didn’t like me and for half the day I was wondering why and what I did for someone not to like me. I wanted to know more and see if there was anything I could do to change their mind, or maybe clear something up. But then I thought, f*** it, who cares? This person plays no part in my life other than passing them at work.

The truth is, you may never know why someone doesn’t like you and the truth is, maybe you shouldn’t really care! You deserve better in your life. You deserve to be around people that cheer you on, people that accept you for your flaws but still give you the feedback that will make you a better person. The people that will joke about you to your face, love you enough to have your back, but not sugarcoat things. A friend that won’t deny you’re fat, but also check you when you think you’re the fattest person in the world. That’s not anyone's responsibility, no one owes you that, but you do owe it to yourself.

I was watching a TED talk once, and the speaker said, "Don't fake it till you make it. Fake it till you become it.” I became it. I’m on a journey to get healthy and lose weight, not because I give a flying f*** about what people think of me, but because I don’t wanna be in pain and die.

You have to find your own reasons to overcome the negative way you see and feel about yourself. There isn't a magic link or a pill that will change that, and I don’t expect my words to change your life. But I do hope by reading this, you know that you’re not alone. And just ‘cause this is gonna be that last post I write, that doesn't mean I’m not around.

Thank you all for giving me an outlet and letting me share the things I’ve been through. S*** hasn’t always been all rainbows and gumdrops, but life is pretty good right now, and I’m grateful.

As always, be happy, be well, be kind, and be loved.

Signing out,
Sam

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