Do Not Pass Go

When you’re overweight, things just aren’t as comfortable. Clothes don’t quite fit right. Random body parts hurt for apparently no good reason. Hot days feel that much hotter, where you feel like could break a sweat while sitting still, just even thinking about doing any kind of movement.

I was always a big kid growing up, one of the tallest in my class even in kindergarten, but I began to gain weight around the age of 8. By the time I reached high school I was 6’2.” At my heaviest— my senior year of high school—I weighed 255 lbs.

Being tall and overweight is an interesting dynamic, in that you become almost a walking excuse for having the excess weight. When the topic of weight comes up (and it does, because somehow it just does), people don’t necessarily believe you when they learn just how much you weigh. So many times, it’s, “Well, but you’re so tall.” “You’ve got broad shoulders.” Or, this gem— “You hide it well.”

I’ve lived many years of my life “hiding it,” as so many people described to me, “well.” And believe me, I wish that I felt I was hiding it, but the one person I couldn’t hide it from was myself. My struggle with my weight got written off by others as though it was some elaborate trick I was playing on the world. You know— like I was some kind of liar.

Occasionally people would express concern. When I injured my knees for the third time at age 17, a doctor told me that I might be at risk for knee surgery by the time I was 30 if I didn’t do something to ease the pressure on my joints. I’d like to say that that was the moment it really clicked for me (though it didn’t not click), but it took a little while longer before I finally started to get serious about taking care of my body, watching what I ate, and becoming more active.

In February of my senior year of high school, I made 3 changes to my eating habits: eating less fried food, drinking less soda, and not using mayonnaise on sandwiches. Yes, mayonnaise. I didn’t want to deprive myself like so many do when they “diet”— which is why I didn’t call what I did a “diet.” Instead, I would eat grilled chicken instead of fried chicken, lettuce and tomato instead of mayo on sandwiches, and drink seltzer and water instead of soda.

Over the course of the next 14 years, I’ve lost weight, gained weight, lost it again and then some, gained it back and then some. When I trimmed down to 175 lbs. back in 2013, I received more concerned comments than when I was overweight, which frankly, was infuriating because I was proud that I had finally found the discipline to achieve a body I was happ(ier) with.

I also find it frustrating today when I hear things like, “You’re looking like a linebacker.” Although at one point in my life that would have felt like a compliment, it’s frustrating because I’m right back where I was in high school— an uncomfortable 255 lbs. It’s like Monopoly; “do not pass go, do not collect $200.”

So here I am again, right back at square one. My clothes once again don’t quite fit right. Random body parts hurt. Hot days feel that much hotter, and I feel like I could break a sweat while sitting still, just even thinking about doing any kind of movement.

For those who have a high level of body confidence, be aware that sometimes even when you think you’re paying a compliment, even positive intentions can get lost in translation because we feel quite vulnerable. That’s not to say we can’t ever have a conversation about weight or appearance, because we can. Frankly, I believe that having the conversation can ultimately lead to a greater level of understanding and consciousness of what others are going through. It just takes a lot for some of us to get to a point where we’re ready and able to put ourselves out there. That said, I encourage that you make an effort to be mindful of those of us who struggle with body image if you don’t already do so.

While I’ve spent much of my life being uncomfortable with my body, what I have learned in this time isn’t for nothing. I’ve learned that making changes to my eating habits has time and again been the main catalyst for changes in my weight. I’ve learned that I’m most successful when I keep track of what I eat and that being too loose with this often causes me to falter.

I’ve also learned that no matter how much weight you lose or gain, the body image issues that developed as a child are so deeply ingrained that you question whether you’ll ever fully be comfortable with yourself. But I will try. And, if you’re going through something similar, I encourage you to do the same.

What have you learned most from your journey with body image?
Share your comments at the bottom of the page.

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This article: www.whatismyhealth.com/in-our-own-skin/2018/8/22/square-one